She Makes Friends. Then She Loses Them. And She Doesn't Know Why.

By Sami Ward | Chaos to Calm | 8th June 2026

There's a particular kind of grief that comes with watching your child struggle with friendship.

Not the grief of illness, or crisis, or a phone call at 2 am. Something quieter than that. The kind that finds you when you're not bracing for it, sat across from them, coffee going cold, watching their face as they try to make sense of something that simply doesn't make sense to them.

That's the bit that hits me most. Not just the loss of a friend. But the not knowing why.

This Isn't Just a One-Off. It's a Pattern That Keeps Repeating.

For so many of our young adults with emotional dysregulation, friendship isn't just hard. It's a pattern that repeats, painfully, again and again. They want connection, deeply, desperately, but the skills that make friendships stick don't always come naturally. And nobody warned them. Nobody warned us.

The making of friends can actually go okay at first. There's often an intensity to it,  a rushing in, a sense of finally being seen, and that can feel like the friendship is everything. But that same intensity, that same emotional depth, can become overwhelming for the other person over time. Or something small explodes into something big. Or communication breaks down in a way that can't be repaired.

And then it's over. And they're left holding the pieces, not understanding how they got there.

The Hardest Place to Sit Is Right Across From Them

As a mum, sitting across from them when this happens, it's one of the hardest places to be.

You want to fix it. You want to explain it away. You want to say "they weren't the right friend anyway" or "you'll find better people." And sometimes you do say those things, because you don't know what else to say.

But what they actually need in that moment isn't a solution. It's someone who can sit in it with them. Someone who doesn't rush to make it better, but also doesn't collapse under the weight of it alongside them.

That is hard. Especially when your own heart is breaking for them.

Why Friendship Is So Much More Complicated for Our Young Adults

Here's what I've slowly, gradually come to understand, and it doesn't make it easier, but it does make it make a bit more sense.

Young adults with emotional dysregulation often experience relationships at a higher intensity than their peers. Their attachment is real and deep, but it can also be fragile, because when emotions are dysregulated, small things can feel catastrophic, miscommunications can feel like betrayal, and distance can feel like abandonment.

This isn't a character flaw. It's not them being "too much." It's their nervous system doing what it was wired to do, reacting fast, feeling big, struggling to self regulate in the moment.

The trouble is that most friendships, especially in young adulthood, aren't built to hold that. And so the cycle continues.

There Are Things We Can Do, Even When It Doesn't Feel Like It

So what can we actually do?

We can't make friendships happen for them. But we can help create the conditions where connection becomes a little more possible.

Smaller, lower-pressure environments tend to work better. Big social situations with lots of unknowns are exhausting for a dysregulated nervous system. But a regular, familiar setting, a class, a group, a voluntary role, can build connection slowly and more safely. Something that gives a reason to show up that isn't just "socialising."

Shared interest is a brilliant equaliser. When two people both care about the same thing, there's already something to anchor the friendship to. It takes some of the pressure off the relationship itself and gives them something to talk about that isn't themselves.

Quality really does matter more than quantity. One or two consistent, understanding people in their corner is worth infinitely more than a busy social life. Help them see that.

Gently, softly, over time, help them notice patterns. Not in a blaming way. Not "you always do this." But curious, kind questions when they're calm. "What do you think happened there?" "How were you feeling in the lead up to that?" Building a little self-awareness, very slowly, is one of the most protective things they can have.

And don't underestimate the role of your own steadiness. When friendships fall away, you are often the one consistent relationship they have. That matters more than you probably realise.

You Are Not Failing Them by Not Being Able to Fix This

I know how exhausting it is to carry this. To watch them come home without a plan, without a friend to call, without a next step and to sit with your own helplessness as a parent.

You're not failing them by not being able to fix it. You're succeeding every single time you show up, stay calm, and keep the door open.

That's not nothing. That's everything.

Something to sit with this week: when your young adult has lost a friendship, what does your instinct tell you to do — and what do you think they actually need from you in that moment? I'd love to hear your reflections in the comments.

Your calm in the chaos,

Sami 💙⚓

Frequently Asked Questions

Why does my young adult keep losing friends even when the friendship starts well?

For young adults with emotional dysregulation, friendships often begin with real intensity and connection, but that same emotional depth can become difficult to sustain. Small misunderstandings can feel catastrophic, distance can feel like rejection, and the nervous system reacts in ways that are hard to control. It's not a character flaw. It's how their brain is wired to respond to perceived threat in relationships.

Is it normal for my child not to understand why their friendships end?

Yes, and it's one of the most painful parts. Because the reaction often feels completely justified to them in the moment, the pattern is genuinely hard to see from the inside. With time, gentle support, and the right therapeutic input, self-awareness can grow, but it takes patience, and it rarely happens quickly.

Why does my young adult struggle to make friends in the first place?

Social situations require a level of emotional regulation that can be genuinely exhausting for young adults with dysregulation. Reading social cues, managing anxiety, and presenting a version of themselves that feels safe all of that takes enormous energy. Smaller, structured environments built around shared interests tend to work much better than open-ended socialising.

What can I do as a mum when my child has no friends?

Focus on what you can influence rather than what you can't. Gently encourage low-pressure activities with a purpose, a class, a voluntary role, a hobby group, where connection can happen naturally over time. And remind yourself that one consistent, understanding person in their life is worth far more than a wide social circle.

How do I support my child when a friendship ends and they don't know why?

Sit with them in it first before you try to explain anything. They need to feel heard before they can hear anything else. When they're calm, curious and gentle questions — not analysis — can slowly help them build the self-awareness that makes future relationships a little easier to navigate.

Is the friendship struggle linked to emotional dysregulation, or is it something else?

For many young adults with dysregulation, friendship difficulties are directly connected to how their nervous systems experience relationships. Attachment tends to run deep and intense, which can be overwhelming for others. It doesn't mean they're unlovable or that connection isn't possible — it means they need support to find the right environments and the right people.