🎧Why Being a 'Good Inside' Mum Feels Impossible When Your Child Has BPD or EUPD

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http://www.chaos-to-calm.org.uk/PodcastForMums

Hey, welcome back to Chaos to Calm. I'm Sami, and as always I'm really glad you're here.

So I want to start today with a question. Have you ever listened to Dr Becky Kennedy? Good Inside? If you haven't, she's a clinical psychologist and she has this whole approach built around one core belief that every child is good inside. That even when they're kicking off, even when they're saying horrible things, even when they're in full meltdown there's a good kid in there who is just struggling.

And I love that. I genuinely do. It's a kind, compassionate way to look at your child.

But here's what happens when you're a mum listening to that, and your child has BPD or EUPD.

You sit there thinking yes, but.

Yes, but last night they screamed that they hated me and meant it. Yes, but I haven't slept properly in two years. Yes, but I've tried everything and nothing lands. Yes, but what about when it really, truly doesn't feel like that?

And then comes the guilt. Because you're supposed to believe they're good inside. And on some level you do. But on another level you're just... exhausted. And that exhaustion makes you feel like a terrible mum.

That's what I want to talk about today.

Dr Becky's approach is brilliant for young children. For toddlers having tantrums, for primary school kids pushing boundaries. The science behind it is solid and the intention is beautiful.

But there is a gap. And that gap is this.

Her audience is largely mums of younger children. Mums who are tired, yes but tired in a different way to you.

Because when your child is a young adult with BPD or EUPD when the dysregulation isn't a phase, it's a diagnosis the gentle parenting framework can start to feel like it was written for someone else's life.

You've already done the validating. You've already done the "I hear you, that sounds really hard." You've read the books, listened to the podcasts, tried the strategies.

And you still feel lost. And guilty. And like somehow you're the problem.

You're not the problem. But nobody in the mainstream parenting space is talking to you. And that invisibility is its own kind of exhausting.

Let me describe something I hear from mums all the time.

You have a really hard day with your young adult. Maybe there's been a crisis, maybe they've said something that cut right through you, maybe you've just been walking on eggshells since you got up and you're done.

And in a moment of pure human exhaustion, you think something like I can't do this anymore. Or why is this my life. Or even just I don't like them very much right now.

And then immediately before that thought has even finished the guilt arrives. Because good mums don't think that. Because Dr Becky says they're good inside. Because you're supposed to be the regulated one. Because what kind of mother feels this way about her own child?

Can I tell you something?

Every single mum I've ever spoken to in this situation has had that thought. Every single one.

It doesn't make you a bad mum. It makes you a human being who is under an extraordinary amount of sustained pressure, loving someone who is really difficult to love consistently right now. And that's the truth.

Here's where I want to offer you something different.

Yes your child is good inside. I believe that. Even when it's really hard to feel it, even when they've done something that's broken your heart, there is a person in there who is suffering and who needs your love.

But so are you.

You are good inside too. The fact that you're listening to this, that you're still showing up, that you're still trying to find ways to understand and support your young adult that is not the behaviour of someone who has given up or doesn't care. That is the behaviour of someone who loves deeply and is doing their absolute best in an incredibly hard situation.

The problem isn't that you don't believe in your child.

The problem is that nobody is saying the same thing to you.

Nobody is standing there going you're good inside too. You're struggling, but you're good inside.

So I'm saying it now. To you. You are good inside. And your exhaustion, your guilt, your moments of resentment they don't cancel that out. They're just what happens when you love someone this hard for this long without enough support.

I want to say something that the mainstream parenting world tends to skip over.

BPD and EUPD are not the same as a toddler having a meltdown.

I know that sounds obvious. But when you're consuming parenting content even really good parenting content it can all blur together into this message of: regulate yourself, validate them, stay calm, repair after ruptures.

And yes that stuff matters. It genuinely does.

But BPD and EUPD involve a level of emotional intensity that is in a completely different category. The push and pull. The idealisation and then the sudden switch. The way you can do everything right and it still goes wrong. The fear of abandonment driving behaviour that feels designed to push you away.

You are not dealing with a hard phase. You are supporting someone with a complex, serious mental health condition. And that requires a completely different kind of support for them, yes, but also for you.

The gentle parenting movement wasn't built for this. And that's okay. But it means you need something more. Something that actually sees your situation.

So what does help? Honestly?

First stop measuring yourself against a framework that wasn't built for your life. Dr Becky is brilliant. But she's not talking to you. Her listener is in a different situation. Take what's useful and leave the rest. You don't have to feel guilty for finding it doesn't always fit.

Second find the mums who actually get it. Not mums in general. Not even mental health mums in general. The ones who know what it's like to love a young adult with BPD or EUPD. Because the specificity matters. The shared experience matters. Being seen by someone who genuinely understands not someone who means well but is secretly relieved it's not their life that is where the real relief comes from.

Third remind yourself daily that believing your child is good inside and finding this really hard are not opposites. You can hold both. You're allowed to hold both. In fact, holding both is probably the most honest, loving thing you can do.

And fourth get support that's actually designed for you. Not generic self-care. Not bubble baths and breathing exercises, though those aren't bad. Real support. People, resources, a community that understands the specific weight of what you're carrying.

Because you deserve that. Not as a reward for being a good mum. Just because you're a person. And people deserve support.

If you're sitting there today feeling like you've failed the good inside test like you've had too many dark thoughts, too many moments of resentment, too many times when you just couldn't find the good I want you to hear this.

You haven't failed. You're just tired. And there's a difference.

You can love your child fiercely and still find this incredibly hard. Both things are true. Both things are allowed.

Right, that's me for this week. If this landed for you, please share it with another mum who needs to hear it there are so many of us out there doing this quietly and alone, and it doesn't have to be that way.

You can find me at chaos-to-calm.org.uk, and if you want to be part of a community of mums who genuinely get it, come and find us in The Harbour.

Take care of yourself. I mean it.

See you next week.