When You’re Not There… But You’re Holding It All Anyway

This Week Has Been One of Those Weeks

My daughter is in the hospital at the moment.

She’s been diagnosed with a hernia, a parastomal hernia, and she’s not in a great place with it.

And I’m not with her.

She’s been staying with her girlfriend, so she’s in a hospital quite a way from me.

And that brings a whole different layer to it.

“Why Don’t You Just Go?”

That’s the obvious question, isn’t it?

And I get it.

But it’s not that simple.

Because she doesn’t like me going to see her.

Not because she doesn’t want me there…

But because she finds it really hard when I leave her.

And I’ve learnt over time…

Sometimes going can actually make things worse.

So you’re stuck in that place of:

• Wanting to be there

• Knowing it might upset things

• And not really knowing what the “right” thing is

The Bit That Sits Underneath It

If it were just the hernia, that would be one thing.

But it’s not.

Because I know her.

And I know what happens when she’s physically unwell.

Everything else goes up.

• The stress.

• The overwhelm.

• The emotions.

• Other physical attributes.

And suddenly it’s not just about what’s happening in her body…

It’s everything.

And that’s the bit that sits in the back of my mind.

Constantly.

Holding It From a Distance Is Something Else

There’s something about not being there…

That makes everything feel bigger.

You’re relying on messages.
Trying to read tone.
Filling in the gaps.

And your brain doesn’t fill in the gaps calmly, does it?

It goes straight to:

• “What if she’s worse?”

• “What if she’s not telling me everything?”

• “What if this spirals?”

And it’s exhausting.

What I Have to Keep Coming Back To

I’ve had to really pull myself back a few times this week.

Because the truth is…

I can’t control this.

I can’t take the pain away.
I can’t fix what’s happening.
I can’t be there in the way I’d want to be.

But I can control how I show up in it.

I can keep my messages steady.

I can not add panic to the situation.

I can not make her manage my worry as well as her own.

Even when I feel it.

And I Still Question It

I’m not sitting here calmly thinking “I’ve got this”.

There’s still that voice that creeps in:

“Should I be doing more?”
“Am I getting this wrong?”

And I know I won’t be the only one who feels like that.

This Is The Bit No One Prepares You For

Not the crisis.

Not the diagnosis.

But this bit.

Being the mum on the outside of it…still holding everything emotionally.

Trying to stay steady…

When inside, you’re anything but.

Why I Created The Harbour

Because I’ve sat in this exact place.

Worrying.
Overthinking.
Second-guessing everything.

And feeling like I was doing it on my own.

The Harbour isn’t about fixing what’s happening.

It’s about having somewhere to come when your head is full of all of this.

Somewhere that helps you:

⚓ steady yourself
⚓ understand what’s going on underneath it all
⚓ have something to actually do in moments like this
⚓ and not feel like you’re the only one

Because this part?

This is hard.

If You’re In This Right Now

If you’re worrying about your child…

If you’re not there and it’s messing with your head…

If you’re constantly thinking “what if”…

You’re not on your own.

And you’re not getting it wrong.

You’re just in a situation that doesn’t have a perfect answer.

💙 If you need something to help steady you, there are simple tools inside The Calm Hub:
http://www.chaos-to-calm.org.uk/The_Calm_Hub_Support_Resources

⚓ And if you’re needing more support than that, The Harbour is opening soon:
https://chaos-to-calm.org.uk/the_harbour

Sometimes… being the steady one from a distance…is enough.

Your calm in the chaos,
Sami ⚓💙