When They Say “I Don’t Deserve It”

Understanding Self-Blame and Self-Hate in Our Young Adults

There is something so, so painful about hearing your child say:

“I don’t deserve to eat.”
“I don’t deserve to brush my teeth.”
“I don’t deserve to wash.”
“I don’t deserve food in my tummy.”

It doesn’t sound dramatic.
It sounds small. Everyday.

But it lands like a punch to the chest.

Because as a mum, every instinct in you says:

You deserve everything.

And yet, arguing rarely works.

This is NOT laziness. It is NOT attention-seeking.

When a young person says they don’t deserve basic care, they are usually speaking from deep shame rather than logic.

There’s an important psychological difference between:

• Guilt: “I did something bad.”

• Shame: “I am bad.”

Guilt can be repaired.
Shame attacks identity.

When shame becomes chronic, through trauma, repeated crises, unstable relationships, bullying, or feeling like a burden, it can quietly turn into:

“There is something wrong with me at my core.”

And from there, self-neglect can feel justified.

I am bad →
I don’t deserve care →
I don’t deserve nourishment →
I don’t deserve comfort.

It becomes a form of self-punishment or self harm.

The trauma connection

In trauma and CPTSD research, self-blame is incredibly common.

Many young people internalise:

• “It was my fault.”

• “I caused this.”

• “I ruin everything.”

• “Everyone would be better off without me.”

The brain tries to create control out of chaos.

If it was my fault, then at least it makes sense.
If I’m the problem, then there’s a reason.

But that belief system comes at a cost.

Because once someone believes they are fundamentally flawed, care starts to feel undeserved.

Food becomes symbolic.
Rest becomes indulgent.
Hygiene becomes optional.

It isn’t about not knowing they need these things.
It’s about believing they don’t deserve them.

Depression and the “why bother” layer

Depression can make even basic tasks feel heavy.
Add shame to that, and the narrative becomes:

“I don’t matter anyway.”

Not brushing teeth isn’t always rebellion.
Not eating isn’t always control.
Sometimes it’s:

“I don’t deserve to take up space.”

That’s a really painful place to be.

Why arguing doesn’t fix it

When we respond with:

“Don’t be silly.”
“Of course you deserve it.”
“That’s ridiculous.”

We are trying to help.

But shame doesn’t respond to logic.
It responds to safety.

Telling someone they deserve care doesn’t always reach the part of them that believes they are fundamentally wrong.

That part needs something slower. Steadier.

What can help (without being patronising)

You don’t need perfect words.
You need consistent ones.

Instead of arguing, try:

• “Something has made you feel unworthy.”

• “It sounds like you’re carrying a lot of blame.”

• “You don’t have to earn food.”

• “Your body deserves care, even when your mind is loud.”

Not dramatic.
Not over-explained.
Just repeated gently over time.

They notice how we treat ourselves, even when we think they don’t.

Eating regularly yourself.
Drinking water.
Brushing your teeth and saying, “My body deserves care.”

Not performatively. Just normally.

Because safety is built in ordinary moments.

For the mums reading this

If your child says they don’t deserve care, you might start questioning yourself.

Did I miss something?
Did I cause this?
Have I failed?

Please hear this clearly:

Self-blame in young people is common in trauma, depression, and emotional dysregulation.

It is not proof you failed.

And it is not permanent.

Shame softens with:

• Stable relationships

• Trauma-informed therapy

• Repeated experiences of being cared for anyway

• Time

It doesn’t disappear because we argue it away.

It fades because someone stayed.

A quiet truth

When your child says, “I don’t deserve it,”
what they are often really saying is:

“I don’t feel safe inside myself.”

And the most powerful response is not a lecture.
It’s presence.

You cannot think someone out of shame.

But you can love them through it, steadily, calmly, repeatedly.

Even on the days when you’re exhausted.

Even on the days when it hurts.

If you’re supporting someone who struggles with self-worth and self-neglect, grounding can help in these moments too, not to erase the shame, but to steady the nervous system enough to reduce the intensity.

And when intensity lowers, space opens.

And in space, healing begins.

Your calm in the chaos,
Sami ⚓💙